Tour Diary

Episode 4
October 8, 2007 - Monday

We have come to the end of one road, and begin to travel another. Life is full of these. I will be forever grateful to the Kim and Damhnait for everything I have learned from them. I know that whatever they do in the future will be definitely worth checking out! They have tremendous talent and loads of personality that will continue to take them far and there is much I will miss about the trio.

The reason I gave on the show was accurate, in that I need to be able to set the pace for my own life/career so that I may parent in the way that I feel is right for me. I would hold back the girls if I were to continue on with them because I do not move through the world at the same speed nor in the same manner. There is also the consideration of finances and artistic freedom that added to my need to change course now. It feels right.

One thing I have learned is that we always need to follow our hearts, even if it scares us…especially if it scares us. Some things may seem to the outside world to be one thing, but the internal world is much different. The only true success is being real and listening carefully for the wind to change, and then going with that without attachment to what was or what will be.

But most importantly, no one can tell you what is right. Only you know. A wise friend said to me recently, "If people turn their backs on you for following your heart, it is a very good sign you have made the right decision." So even if you end up traveling the road alone, you are in good company.

All I have ever wanted to do was find the truth of the matter. It takes deep practice to recognize what is real and what illusion. I have so far to go, but music will continue to be one of the mediums through which I search.

I thank you all who have come with me so far, and I hope to see you along this amazing road.

Love, Tara

Letter to the Toronto Star
October 3, 2007 - Wednesday

To the Editor of the Star,

I was shocked by you article about the band "Shaye". I am the third
member of the band and I was not present at the interview because I
have severe morning sickness with my third pregnancy (one of a half
dozen facts the writer got completely wrong).

The untruths, the misquotes, and the sloppy journalism were demeaning
to say the least. If the greater portion of the article had been true,
his words would have stung, but since they weren't, it is just sad.
It is sad because although a detail like how my sister, Shaye, was
killed may seem insignificant to Mr. Quill, it is an important part of
our mission to tell her story and be truthful to her incredible
legacy. It hurts that this 'journalist' wouldn't care enough to do
the research, but we have since learned that Greg Quill is no stranger
to journalistic inaccuracies.

1. Shaye died in a tragic car accident, not of cancer.
2. We did not lose our record deal. EMI has been steadfast in their belief
in us.
3. We did not tell the label there were things we wouldn't do, we told the
film company there were things they could not film
4. EMI did not sign us in the manner that was written.
5. I am three months pregnant with my third child, not about to give birth
to my second.
6. The band has not "thrown in the towel".

In today's world of trash news, I would hope for more integrity from
your paper. If I could perhaps make a suggestion? That you purchase
a small recording device for this particular writer. I would also
like to warn my peers that if they have an interview with him, that
they also bring one, press record and put it on the table. Perhaps
then Mr. Quill will think twice about getting the facts so wrong.

Sincerely,
Tara MacLean

Episode 3
October 3, 2007 - Wednesday

Howdy,

Well, this was interesting. I was sick about this episode for months. I was so worried how it would be edited and how it would come across. I wasn't sure if my point would be clear, or if I was suddenly going to get hate mail.

It is a touchy subject, Afghanistan, and in case my point didn't come across, here it is, for clarification.
Dav had gone to Afghanistan to sing for the troops. She had gone with the department of Defense and a few other artists. I was curious as to what kind of information you get when you travel with the military. I know what kind of censored bullshit we are fed through the news, I could only imagine how biased the information would be that the military would give out. We did not speak about it much. She liked to tell stories of how she overcame her fear of flying in a military helicopter. Her stories were amazing and her connection with the soldiers was obviously profound and important. I tried to picture myself strapped into a flying killing machine...couldn't see it. I decided not to discuss my views on the war with her, because we didn't need more conflict than being in a band already allows. I had a feeling that anything I said might be viewed as an attack on her experience. Not because she is particularily defensive, but because 9 out of 10 people would react that way. No matter how delicate you are, it is a touchy subject. It was never brought up in our Shaye press, so I felt safe that I could have my views and she could have hers and we could still be in the band together. After all, we as different as night and day in every other way and we had survived so far.

Then one day during an interview on the radio, she began to speak about our situation in Afghanistan and her views. I was dumbstruck. We had always agreed that politics would be separated, but here we were. Everything she said got under my skin like shrapnel and I noticed myself shaking. I kept quiet and let the interview finish. I didn't not want to debate on the radio. The thing that bothered me was not even so much what she was saying (it's not like she's a war monger or anything!), but that on radio you can't decipher who is speaking…I did not want to be misconstrued as a cheerleader for the situation over there. In fact, I was and am still extremely conflicted about the whole thing.

So when I found out that she was going to be asked specifically about Afghanistan on a Shaye interview, I was up all night. I wanted her to be free to say her thoughts, yet, when you are in a band together, it can get muddled as to whether it is one person's politics, or the band's. Because I believe so strongly in the ideal of non-violence (Ahimsa- do no harm), aligning myself with the mission in Afghanistan seemed so counter to my way of being, that I was at a loss. Then it came to me, if I just asked her to say a disclaimer (these are my views and they don't necessarily reflect the views of the rest of the band) when she was asked about it, then she could be free to say anything she wanted, and I could feel safe knowing that my views would not be mistaken for hers. I had the answer. Of course, it did not go so well.

The argument that ensued right before we went on Gill Deacon was a doozie. It is edited to be lighter than it was. As I expected, she did take my need for separation on this issue as an attack of her experience. She got defensive and accused me of saying things on stage that made her uncomfortable…something about meat. For the record, I am a vegetarian, and only once on stage did I have the desire to say something about it. We were singing for a fancy dinner where they were serving veal. It was a charity for children. I was horrified because I still get shocked that people eat that stuff when we know that it is probably one of the cruelest and inhumane acts against another living creature still in practice ( Foie Gras is pretty nasty,too). I held my tongue, not wanting to bring any bad vibes onto the stage and knowing that my carnivorous band mates would be uncomfortable. All I was going to say was, 'It's so nice to see everyone out tonight for the kids, enjoy your veal." Maybe a few people would have gotten the subtle comment, but I chose to be quiet because of consideration for the girls. They are not interested in controversy, and I don't blame them. So, I don't know where Dav got the idea that I have ever said anything of the sort, because I am not that thoughtless.

I think we worked it out well in the end. I tried to listen and find common ground. I also tried to explain where I was coming from. Because a two hour conversation was edited to about 5 minutes, I would like to explain to you my thoughts in regards to the Mission in Afghanistan.

I have heard it said that if you don't read the papers, you are uninformed. If you do read the papers, you are misinformed. I try to source out information from more subversive literature. Sure, it tends to sway left, but I find a startling contrast between the mainstream Canadian news and the news abroad. The bottom line is that everyone knows the mission has changed. Yes, of course they are still rebuilding Afghanistan, cleaning up the mess the Americans made. Since Harper is so far up Bush's ass it only serves that we are wiping up his crap. Of course we are protecting the women from the oppressors, but think of all the places in the world where the woman need that kind of protection. It didn't seem to bother the Americans how the Taliban treated their women when they were arming them and treating them like heroes while they fought the Russians. It is a smoke screen. As Willie Nelson says, "This is not a troop friendly war." He means in the sense that they are being lied to. So supporting the troops means getting them out of there.
There is an amazing documentary called 'The Power of Nightmares' that you should all see. It brings to light the culture of fear and deceit that our Governments are trying quite successfully to build. We can't buy into it anymore. We have to wake up. Our brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers in Afghanistan are dying. And the saddest part is that we are doing nothing about it. We have somehow been shut up. Let's look at one particularly insidious method...

"Support our Troops". The first time I heard this slogan was on TV during a war protest. One woman came up to another who was protesting the big lie that was Iraq, and said. "My son is over there. You don't support him. You want him to die for nothing". I was shocked…I was stunned not only at the idea of how her words twisted the truth, but of how quiet the other woman became. I realized how manipulative that slogan was. It is a very simple, three word catch phrase that basically means, 'If you aren't for us, you're against us.' Now, who doesn't 'support' troops? Who wants soldiers to die? Nobody in their right mind. So to go around with a 'Support our Troops' banner is redundant. It means only that you had better support their mission or they are dying for nothing.

Of course, many people innocently think that 'Support our Troops' means to send them our love and prayers. That is sweet. They feel it is a reminder that there are people over there who have to be and who do not want to be. They want to be home safe with their families. So if you really want to support our troops, bring them home. Don't buy into the smiling Military spokesperson saying what a success the rebuilding of Afghanistan is, look deeper. Look more closely. Read more deeply into what they aren't saying. Be smart and yes, send the troops love and support by opposing their presence over there. It is still a U.S. led NATO mission. We are learning some bad manners. Violence only begets violence. There is no other truth when it comes to war. The seeds of pain and revenge are only driven deeper each day and I believe it puts Canadians more in danger here at home.
I could go on, but these are just my thoughts. I respect Damhnait's understanding of the humanity that is being wasted, and the heroes that are fighting, not for Freedom, like they think, but for each other. When I heard that Harper was not going to lower the flags to honour their deaths, I had a collapsible, portable flag pole built, borrowed a Canadian flag that had once flown on Parliament hill, and planned to go to Ottawa and sit there with my little flag at half mast. I wanted to show that Harper does not speak for all Canadians and that we want to show the families of these soldiers that we honour their lives. It was decided that flags could be lowered provincially, thus thwarting my little plan. But that at least felt like a good way to honour our fallen. I guess Harper knew that the flag on Parliament hill would have been half mast for a long time, considering his plan to keep the soldiers there.

Know that I am a pacifist because I believe that is the highest and only way of achieving peace and freedom. I know it takes a great amount of action and sacrifice. I also believe that the soldier is a hero simply for his or her decision to be a warrior for what they believe is right. Just because I do not believe in the method, does not make every cause unjust. Let me finish with the words of one much wiser than I.

"Non Violence is the law of our species as violence is the law of the brute. The spirit lies dormant in the brute, and he knows no law but physical might. The dignity of man requires obedience to a higher law - to the strength of the spirit….
Non-violence is infinitely superior to violence, forgiveness more manly than punishment. Forgiveness adorns a soldier…
If even one great nation were unconditionally to perform the supreme act of renunciation (of violence), many of us would see in our lifetime visible peace established on Earth."

Taken from 'The writings of Gandhi' Faber & Faber ltd 1951

Peace in, peace out, Tara

Visit www.nowar.ca and consider marching in the demonstration on October 27
For more accurate reports on world events, visit www.therealnews.com

Episode 2
September 24, 2007 - Monday

This episode is very indicative of who Damhnait is. You really get a
chance to see, that though she doesn't have children yet, she works as
hard as Kim and I. She loves to get her hands in all kinds of different
things. I have worked with so many directors on videos who take your
vision and completely turn it around and make it into their own little
experiment. The "If I Fall" video is one such situation. It is
devastating to have a huge budget, the choice of any director, and get it
completely wrong. I don't have the balls, nor the desire to direct a
video, but Dav is quite fearless and she did an excellent job under
pressure.

Also, the fact that she had to carry the rehearsal and pep talk Kim when
she lost her voice, shows what a rock she can be. This was definitely
Damhnait's episode and she earned it. Way to go! Tune in next week for
the dirt : )

Tara

The Shaye Show
September 6, 2007 - Thursday

Okay, so are we all ready to watch the Shaye Show? I want to mention a few things first. Each week I will write a little commentary about the show, because as much as it is pretty close to reality, there are a few mistakes and some interesting editing that slightly changes a few situations and I will clear it up as it goes along if you are interested. Even though the first episode is on Sunday night (Sept 9, 10 pm on Global E), I will post this now. I will be at our cottage hiding because I am a little mortified that I will be so exposed. You know, I once read a very cool article about myself (I honestly try not to do that, but if you are having a crappy, fat, zitty day and some magazine is singing your praises it is hard to put it down!). The article said that since I spent much of my career under the radar in Canada, that I had a wonderful mystery about me. Ahhh..mystery. Well, that is about to change. And besides, I am the least mysterious person I know…I am an open book and if you have seen me live you are totally aware of that. So here is the Shaye Show. And Episode one is very interesting.

In fact, I have to begin with a public apology to my record label, Nettwerk. The reason is that there is a scene at the beginning where the documentary narrator says that all three girls lost there recording contracts at the same time, that it can be devastating for an artist, and that with no record company to call home, Tara went and raised babies. When I saw this scene, I was pretty upset, because that is not true in my case. First of all, when Capitol US decided not to renew my contract, it was a pretty great thing. I have had Nettwerk as my label since 1995 and they have NEVER let me down. They have always been there behind me inspiring me to make music in whatever way I wanted to. They have never left me. I have never been concerned about releasing in America because Nettwerk reaches all over the place. The Capitol deal was good to leave because so much money had been spent that I would have never made it back. (A record deal is like a bank loan). Nettwerk was great about me wanting to do the Shaye project and has been very patient, even helping me financially so I could be a part of Shaye. So I was never 'Devastated' by losing the Capitol deal, and I have always had a record company to call home. I wrote to the director and said that there was a mistake there and that it wasn't true in my case. I had never mislead anyone into thinking that I had no label and nothing going on with my career so I went and had babies. That is wrong. I actually had so much going on in my career that I needed a break to have babies, and then I was back to work. Shaye just happened and it was supposed to be a quick, short project of cover songs for fun. What a sucker I am : )

So I figured that it made good tv to play it like we were all in the same boat, and there is some funny animation that goes with the scene and so I said that if it didn't matter to them that it was inaccurate, that I could let it go. I realize that they meant the Capitol deal. But then I woke up with horror one morning realizing that it really wasn't fair to my label. By then it was too late to change the scene. So let me say this…

"Nettwerk has been my home, my family, and my saving grace over and over. I don't know where I would be without the love and support and belief of those amazing people who make up that world. I am honoured to represent the label and am proud beyond proud to be in the company of the great artists on that label. I know that as long as I chose to make music, they will be there, guiding me and following me, encouraging me and inspiring me to grow more deeply into who I am as a singer, writer and performer."

So when you watch that episode, know that is the only misleading part. The rest is the real deal, and Breakthrough Films did an excellent job of capturing the spirit of Shaye and portraying us in a raw and real way that will give you a true glimpse into my life these last years.

Enjoy! Tara

Sept 9, 10 pm , Global E
Skips a week for the Emmys
Sept 23
Sept 30
Oct 7

Barfy Buddha
August 29, 2007 - Wednesday

The next band I am in should be called The Breeders. I just can't stay unpregnant. We have been in negotiations regarding a third baby. There are so many reasons not to. We would need a bigger house, a bigger car, more money, we get less sleep, we are out numbered, and that is one more person putting a strain on our fragile eco system that is already teeming with humans.

But then, the reason for having a third is pretty compelling. I want one! One more fresh, pink, soft, sweet babe. I am not ashamed to say I am interested in having a boy. I ordered a boy, but that isn't always what you get in the (fe)mail. I won't be disappointed. But my girls are Daddy's girls. They love me, sure, but when Daddy is around they get big hearts in their eyes and I no longer exist! And I am the nice one! Papa is much more firm. I know my girls love their Mummy…I get loads of love…but a little boy…sigh. Well, if we don't get one, we are stopping here anyway. There is no way we are going any further. Snip snip!

I did however, forget about this progesterone poisoning, otherwise known as Morning sickness. A term obviously coined by a man in the 60s hell bent on putting a veil over the suffering of Women. It lasts all day! The same guy who said something about 9 months of pregnancy. 40 weeks is ten moons! Maybe it was the same guy who named Vaginal exercises after himself! The nerve! Or the lightning like cramps before labour…named after a man! Even 'Men'struation….men everywhere…they have no business planting their flags in our homeland. I am taking back some terms.

Braxton Hicks- lightning
Keigles- tightening
False Labour- Pre pre labour
Incompetent cervix- excited cervix
Menstruation- Moon time
Menopause- The Croning

You don't see them naming things like Hemorrhoids after themselves.

The nausea is almost unbearable. I am not the sort to seek out medication for this, but I have to say I have considered it this time. Having a toddler to run after takes so much energy and two kids in a small house can get unorganized very quickly. Ted has been picking up the slack, even though I have turned into a mild psychotic. I seem to get unreasonably jealous at this point in pregnancy. I do things I would never do, like check his email and analyze how he has signed off on a note. I make grand speeches about what is and isn't appropriate and I get a look in my eyes that makes Ted wonder if he shouldn't make me a reservation in Unit 9. (If you are from PEI you know what I mean.) I also can't stop eating, as this is the only thing that keeps me from throwing up. I am watching my hard earned post Stella body turn to jello and my intellectual edge seems to be cushioned by a foamy layer of mushy mummy brain. I know I used to be witty, and funny, and full of joy. I know I will be again one day. I know one day my husband won't be afraid of me. But until then, I am caught in limbo of dizziness and unable to find my way out of the maze of my mind, where all paths lead to the fridge.

I just need to keep my eye on the prize. A baby. Everything is small sacrifice when you get a baby out of the deal. Prayers for health each night and dreams of nursing…oh my GODDESS! Nursing. I still haven't finished nursing Stella….okay okay…think think think. I am very much of the mind that children should self wean. She loves to nurse. We love it. Oh. I guess I may be tandem nursing. Women do it with twins and they both survive, right? Stella only nurses a few times a day and I guess she will have to wait for the baby to finish feeding. Oh my poor nipples will be having a constant workout. Will I feel too bovine? Should I get Stella off first? What a crazy dilemma! I will get nothing else done if I am a nursemaid all day. I hear the milk changes during pregnancy and that sometimes turns the toddler off. I have 32 weeks to go so we'll see what happens. And besides, what is more important than giving unselfishly to your babies. Um…sanity?

I have to go now. Sophia's dad Bill, his lovely wife Natasha, Ted and myself are going to counseling now. We are sharing the parenting of Sophia and it is quite a job with two different households that are coming from different places on so many issues. Namely nutrition and consumerism. But really, we aren't that different. We are all open to each other's ways of doing things which is amazing. We are all good people who love that kid to bits and so we want to find ways to be consistent so she feels safe and at peace. The rest is just part of the divine comedy. Like the fact that Bill's wife has been one of my best friends since I was 16 years old! Or that Ted is an Animal rights activist, and Natasha designs jewelry for dogs. Both love animals…just in different ways. Ted will sometimes joke that maybe their little Yorkie probably tastes like chicken.

So we are off to get some guidance on how to best approach this co parenting thing. When I think of how many people have spent their children's university fund in court, I feel very blessed that we are so amicable. It isn't easy, but it is worth it. Sophia starts grade one next week! I could cry. yup…crying…so pregnant.

The only thing is, I am soooo nauseous. Hopefully I will keep any temper I have in check. There is a saying I have heard recently for people who are physically uncomfortable…for example when you are very hot…."When hot, be hot Buddha." Basically, just be with the discomfort. It will pass. So When Barfy, be Barfy Buddha.

Wishing you all the love in the world as the seasons start to change. Isn't it funny how the Fall is when things begin to die, yet it is filled with a sense of newness…a fresh start. May you all feel the newness of every moment.

Tara

ps. Check out Global E channel Sept 9 at 10 pm for ' The Shaye Show'
Each week at the same time for 4 weeks there is an hour long Comedy/documentary about one of the projects I have been working on for the last 5 years. Pretty funny stuff. Remember it is my post Pardum year so….not so glamorous for me! But I highly recommend checking it out! love love love!

While it's still fresh...
June 26, 2007 - Tuesday

I want to write this while it is fresh in my mind.

I had a show in Niagara last night, and I felt quite panicky about getting home to Stella. Though she was with a good caregiver, she had a cough for a few days and there had been two very sleepless nights. I sensed a disturbance in the field. Ted is away.

When I got home I called a taxi for the sitter since it was quite late. Sophia was asleep, but when I went to bed I realized Stella was throwing up quietly in her crib. Immediately I picked her up and washed her off….I spent the next 4 hours trying to keep her hydrated but she threw up every 10 minutes. Her little heart was pounding out of her chest and her forehead was clammy and cold. No fever. Every towel, cloth and blanket in the house was used to mop up the mess. I tried to feed her. Up it came. I became more and more awake as the night went on and the adrenaline pumped through me. I couldn't put her down.

I had to be packed in a few hours to catch our tour bus to Ottawa for a corporate show. The Grocer's convention. This was where the money comes from in this business for many musicians. I had so much to prepare and yet I was covered in sweat and vomit and was nowhere near being able to sleep, let alone pack. What would my band mates do? It is not just I; it is a whole group of people who count on each other. But this paled in comparison to the worry about Stella. I frantically phoned Ted and began to cry…I felt the panic rising, as though telephoning him reminded me further how alone I was.

Then from somewhere deep inside came a calm. I am never on my own. I have me. Sounds crazy, and perhaps a little schizoid, but I have been aware since I can remember of an observer within. Some may call it God, or Guide, but whatever the semantics, I realized that it is so true that we are never given anything we can't handle. I told Ted he should sleep and I would go take good care of our baby.

Then she began to throw up blood. I called our tenant (who is also wonderful with the girls) at 3:30 am to see if she could come upstairs and sleep on the couch so Sophia wouldn't be alone while I went to the hospital. She said she could stay until 7 am but then she had to go to work. That gave me 3 1/2 hours to figure something else out. I thanked her and promised she would somehow be relieved by 7 am. The taxi driver came and I said…please take me to the emergency room….he said I should go to Sick Kids Hospital downtown. We conversed, though I have no idea about what….I remember fumbling with my wallet while I holding her limp, little body.

At 3:45am we entered Sick Kids. Her eyes were unfocused, and she was so quiet…I was afraid and exhausted, but a mother with a mission. I mentioned to the woman when we were registering that I hadn't slept in 3 days. She basically ignored me. I realized that I wasn't in her radar of compassion and so left it at that. It is probably part of the nurse's survival mechanism to not take on the parents' issues, they must often arrive in a terrible state. The doctor had her on an IV drip before 4 am and an antinauseant as well. A virus. Seeing her sweet, little body on the bed, a tiny needle taped to her hand broke my heart into a thousand pieces, but I knew we were in the best place possible.

Now I had to find someone to get Sophia. There was no one around to help and so I lifted Stella in my arms, careful of her IV tube and carried her and the IV pole to the lobby phone. Carefully balancing her over my shoulder, and dialing, I called Ted's brother. It was 5 am. His voice was like a life preserver for my drowning energy. My hands were shaking and tears caught my throat. The beige, coiled cord reached to the floor so I sat down for fear I would fall if I tried to stand much longer. There was no way he could help as he had a very important, uncancellable meeting at 7:30, but he would try to find someone. I assured him I would be okay. He was my first call because he is family. I hung up feeling hopeful. Ted's brother, Rob, has a solidity about him that makes me feel very safe and loved. Just knowing he, and his incredible wife, Jennifer were aware of my circumstances made me feel supported. I dialed and dialed but few people picked up the phone. I dialed a wrong number and got yelled at. Stella was snoozing peacefully. Unfortunately, I had to stand up in order to dial and I was getting dangerously tired. Finally I called my neighbor, Nancy, who said Sophia could go there at 7 and she would take her to school. I felt gushingly grateful and relieved. I then called Ted to tell him where we were. He told me I was strong and that he loved me. Simple, perfect words.

We returned to her room. I climbed onto her little cot with her and snuggled right up. The sounds of the hospital were fodder for anxious dreams, but I woke with renewed strength after a few hours. Stella woke at looked around. Eyes bright and talking her baby babble. This told me that she would be fine. Every aching muscle in my body relaxed and I took a deep breath and smiled. She smiled back. After a while a new doctor came in. A bright Irish woman who obviously cared about us both. She released Stella and we called a taxi. Almost home…

Earlier…..

At our performance the night before in Niagara, our tour manager had said that there was a sponsor for our show in Ottawa the following night that would be introducing us. Nestle. Oh no! NO NO NO!!!!

There are many different ideas about taking corporate money to fund good causes. I think my music is a good cause. But Nestle. Of all the companies. This was one I had been faithfully boycotting for 9 years. I felt sick. My band mates, who are (mostly) patient with me and my ideals, were wonderfully understanding of my predicament and listened as I told them about the Baby Formula in Africa tragedy. (Just google' Nestle boycott' and you will find lots of information.) Many babies died because the formula was mixed with bad water. The mother's milk dried up. It was horrific. Basically we may as well have been playing the Republican convention, or a KKK rally in my books. ( No offence to the other grocer's -many of whom provide healthy and conscious choices of food for the masses). I decided that since this was not just my show and that the time was so short that I was stuck.

Turned out I wouldn't be going anyway and the girls would have to make it a 'Two Shaye' production. I have never missed a show but Stella was unable to travel.

On the way home in the taxi I marveled at the irony. Only 12 hours before I was telling the story about the mothers whose babies died in their arms. Neglectful and greedy corporations to blame for the agony. No hospital for miles. No explanation…just a dehydrated infant and a desperate mother. I feel so close to those mothers right now. The worry and the love and the breaking heart. It is the same.

I am so tired and the words are blurring on the screen. Jennifer, my phenomenal sister in Law and friend, came over and brought dinner, bathed Stella, picked up Sophia from school and took her home with them for the night. Could I be luckier to have such an amazing family? I am going to sleep, but I am left with the questions that burn so raw for me in the state I am in. Can a corporation make right when it has done so much wrong? Can the human beings that make up the organization find a way to bring some justice? Can there be a reckoning? Is nothing unforgivable? But even after their huge mistakes, they still continue to defy World Health Organization laws. And who pays? The poor people of the world. So in essence we all pay. I have heard it said that we are only as evolved as the least fortunate person on Earth.

Goodnight, to all the Parents out there who have held their sick children in their arms, and silently prayed that they would be spared the anguish of losing their baby. And Goodnight to the mothers of Africa. Your children are not forgotten.

Tara

Friends...
May 23, 2007 - Wednesday

My Space is amazing. I was feeling a little overwhelmed with all the messages. But then I started to read and I just feel so unfathomably grateful to you all for reaching this way. I hear that the music has gotten some of you through some rough times. Me, too.

The Spring in Toronto has me sneezing like crazy…drippy nose and itchy eyes. I have never had allergies in my life until I moved here. I love this city now, but we are looking everyday at ways to move outside…just a few hours away where there is space and air and trees.

I always imagined I would be in B.C. by this time in my life, settled in a cabin, chopping wood and playing guitar all day, playing with my children on the beach…but Ontario will have to do. It has it's special beauty. Ted is very rooted here and has already 'done' B.C. I notice that most young, Canadian adventurers have to go to B.C. at some point, but it is often a phase. I moved there just after my 14th birthday and fell in love with the Pacific coast. My favorite places on Earth are there… Tofino, Salt Spring Island…If I breath deeply enough I can conjure the cedar and the salt spray of Chesterman's Beach. I love that feeling of awe and humility when you stand at the foot of a Grandmother tree. There is nothing else like it to put you in your place, and link you with every other creature throughout all time who feels the same love and gratitude for the protection of the great 'Standing People'.

I have been trying to use the Shaye project these days as a way to express this love. We used very little packaging and we worked with 'Zero Foot Print' (www.zerofootprint.net) to green up the cd. We are going on tour with Willie nelson and I am working to raise money to Bullfrog Power 4 of the shows (www.bullfrogpower.com). We also did a show to promote organ donation (but that is another blog for later) It has had a great response and it feels timely. The other girls have been great about getting pulled along by my activism, and I suspect they are feeling proud of the difference they are making. What a rush to know for absolute certain that what you are doing is in service to the world. I never thought as a child that being a servant to humanity and to the Earth would be the highest calling I could imagine. Funny how we change.

I am not there yet, I have so far to go and so much to learn. So much work to be done and yet we are at the precipice of it all coming down around us. The urgency is powerfully motivating and I realize I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself or lost in grief. But I have found songs along that road that have kept me alive and I have found places where I could crumble into the ground and grow again from nothing. There is nothing like the dismantling of a life…seeing it rebuilt from scratch….beautiful and breathtaking. The final step seems to be that our eyes open like a newborn, and we see everything new. We see where our hands and hearts are needed. We are confident and unhindered by a heavy past. Perhaps this is where the super hero archetypes come from… a poison bite, a toxic spill, an epic crisis….and out some these superhuman powers. (I should read 'Hero With a Thousand Faces' by Joseph Campbell again.) But the powers I am hoping for are compassion, patience, trust, peace, stillness, presence and unconditional love…I would also love to be able to stand on my head! All of this takes practice…I am in deep practice. I am in awe and in wonder. I am. We are. What a chance!
Aaaaaahhhhhchooooo……

Send a message to Mr. Harper...
-- May 4, '07

Here is an email I received today. If you are a Canadian, please click on the link and send Mr. Harper a message. The greater the number of messages Mr. Harper receives, the less likely he is to ignore us. Please pass along this link to friends and family, or forward the email below:
http://www.avaaz.org/en/harperdotherightthing"

Dear fellow Canadians,

Wow, I couldn't believe it when I heard about our government's sneaky ways of undermining the world's efforts to stop climate change. This week, the press reported Al Gore calling the Harper government plan on CO2 emissions "a complete and total fraud designed to mislead the Canadian people". Recently, Canada also received the international "Fossil Award" for misleading countries and quietly undermining international efforts at the climate negotiations in Kenya.

Canada? Misleading people and undermining the world's efforts to save their children's futures and stop deadly flooding, storms, desertification, diseases? Not my Canada. Surely not.

Well, it's true. And now I'm a strange mixture of hopping mad and really sad. This isn't our country, not one bit, and we need to let our Prime Minister know which country he's leading, and remind him that he works for us. Please click below to send a message directly to Stephen Harper asking him to come up with a real plan on climate change that doesn't disgrace our nation and let down good people around the world:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/harperdotherightthing

Will the Prime Minister do the right thing this time? It's an election year and he has a minority government. If he knows he can't fool us with a fake plan, he'll have to meet our demand for a real one that doesn't put Canada almost 20 years behind schedule on the Kyoto treaty targets.

We'll need one heck of a flood of messages to get him to finally listen. But Avaaz has over 100,000 members in Canada. If each of us can respond to this message, and then forward this email to a few friends, that's going to add up fast, maybe even to the number of voters that tipped the balance for Harper in the last election. That's a number he'll notice. Oh Canada, let's do it!

http://www.avaaz.org/en/harperdotherightthing

With much respect and hope,

Ricken Patel,
Director
Avaaz, The World in Action

PS - Here's some links and more information on this issue:

David Suzuki Calls the government's new plan a national embarrassment:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/latestnews/dsfnews04270701.asp
Reuters reports Canada receives international "Fossil" award for misleading countries on climate change:
http://www.planetark.com/dailynewsstory.cfm/newsid/39038/story.htm
Al Gore Calls Canada's Climate Plan a Fraud: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070430/ap_on_re_ca/gore_canada_warming

The music is out there...
-- May 1, '07

Ahhhh! I feel so exposed! They didn't even tell me! I guess you could call this a pretty low hype release if even I wasn't let in on it. I guess that means that there is no press around this. Hmmmm..okay. I don't entirely get the whole idea of putting a few songs out there in cyber space to see what happens, but I trust my label and I trust management. So my new EP "Signs of Life" is available as of today from iTunes and all you other favorite digital music stores. Let me tell you a bit about the songs.

Wait It Out- here is a song that I wrote one afternoon with Jeremy Fisher. What would my record be without something delightfully co-dependant. I was very pregnant when we wrote this! I snacked a lot. I thought it had a nice vibe to it so we tried it out. I think it has a nice country feel. Part poetic, part pathetic. Jeremy is amazing, by the way.

Got a Light- I wrote this one with Bill Bell (first husband/current producer) around 5 years ago. It is an interesting lyric..basically the world is going to hell so lets have sex. It is about a lot of things. Makes me feel like I am in Quentin Tarantino movie. There is a wonderful instrument called an Omnichord and it was written around that. This song explores the more 'out there' in me. Enjoy!

If I Don't Have You- Oh dear lord just get the razor blades now. Put me out of my misery. I LOVE this song. I don't love everything I write. But I love this. I love the sadness. It, to me, is an ultimate love song. When you love someone so much that all meaning in the world is tied to them.okay okay..maybe it's a little co-dependant, but doesn't Whitney have a song " I have nothing if I don't have you"? She wins.

Mad World- I know this is just what the world needs.another version of this song. But you know what? I don't care. I wanted to sing it and I recorded it a loooong time ago. It doesn't have to be a single. The song is a perfect reflection of what I see sometimes. A song I wish I had written. Bleak. Poingnant. Sad. Hopeless. Beautiful. True.

Here and Now- Yes! You heard right! Do not adjust your dial! A happy love song written by ME! I had a little help from my friend Kevin Fox. But this is a song for Ted. What else can I say except that I have found love. I am beyond grateful.

Carved- Now let us be serious for a moment. This is a song I had to write. So many of you out there knew Bill and I when we were together and I am sure you were wondering what had happened. Well, some love has to change form. I am also grateful for that. But divorce is like a death..and this is my obituary.

Over and Out- Deep in the desolation that this life is bound to bring us all, is so much beauty. The Buddhists say that the suffering is optional. I think we do a certain amount of suffering before we realize we really want to learn to deal with it gracefully.or perhaps find ways to move through it, or even avoid it completely. The only formula I have found so far that works for pretty much everything is non- attachment. Let it go. This takes much practice. This song is about the moving through and the other side.

The Players
Tara MacLean- Vox, acoustic guitar
Bill Bell- Production, guitars, programming , backing vox
Kevin Breit- Guitars, inspiration
Kevin Hearn- Piano, Rhodes, Wurlitzer, Accordion some other stuff
George Coller- Bass, cello, diruba, weird instruments
Andy Stchansky- Drums and anything else there was to bang on!
Mike White- Trumpet
Richard Evans- Piano

The Place
Recorded at The Woodshed Studio
and Soleil Studios, Toronto Ontario

The Sonic team
engineered by Chris Shreenan-Dyck
Mastered by Phil Demetro at lacquer channel
Produced and mixed by Bill Bell

These seven songs I have titled 'Signs of Life'. This is my offering for now. I hope you find something in here that speaks to you.

Love and light,
Tara

Exhaustion sets in...
-- March 12, '07
Well hello,

I know you probably think I dropped off the face of the Earth. I almost have in some ways. I can't believe how high maintenance two kids are. Seriously! I have a hard enough time looking after myself, let alone every detail of two other human beings, plus the Shaye project, my solo recording(which is going really well! Any week now!) and a friggin house. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for our health, happiness and home. This is the life I have built and I work hard…but dear lord…

What I am basically trying to say is that by 9 pm when they are bathed, diapers changed, tucked in, stories read, prayers done, kisses, just one more hug, Mum, lights out I am exhausted. Then there is usually a kitchen to clean. Like a bit of a zombie I do the dishes and then find my way to the couch. I look over my schedule for the next day and check my email to make sure the sky isn't falling. I gaze over, eyes red rimmed, at my adoring man. I remember when this time of night was filled with exciting things like Scrabble and talking and dreaming of the future. Well, here we are in the future and we are bushed! We sure didn't write this level of fatigue into our plans. So, ready to collapse, we give each other a loving, tired smile. Life is good, and one day we will be caught up on sleep and we will miss this craziness. We also managed to get hooked on '24' !

As you can see, the chances of sitting here, writing a witty letter to you is nearly impossible. I just want you all to know that I am thinking of you and that when the Shaye project peters off early next year, I will be able to focus more on reaching out from here. Check out www.shayemusic.com if you want to see new photos and get updates on my tours. My website needs a serious overhaul…but folks…I don't have it in me right now….so please be patient. New music is on it's way. Check out www.myspace.com/taramaclean . I don't manage the site myself, but I read your wonderful letters and they mean the world to me. Keeps me wanting to reach in and find more music.

Love and light,
Tara

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