December 19, 2001

Its a girl !

Tara and Bill just had a baby girl named Sophia and she is just over 8 lbs.

Mom, dad and the baby are all doing great. Congratulations to Tara and Bill

December 3rd, 2001

November 15th, 2001

Toronto

Only a month away from the due date and I don't know how I could get any bigger. I can feel the baby moving around in there...probably packing. I was born three weeks early so I know the baby can come at any time. I was also born in twenty minutes, mind you, my Mother as pretty stoned ...therefore relaxed!

The pregnancy is going very well. My midwife assures me that swollen Flintstone feet and hemorrhoids are all normal. I am beginning to think that God may be a man after all. My midwife also gave me great tip about refined sugar. Since I am attempting a natural birth, I have no option of pain killers at any time. This may sound a tad masochistic, but look at my previous relationships (see album#1). No pain, no lesson. I have this strange notion that the pain of birth will give me the courage to be mother. I obviously think too much. Anyway, if you eat a lot of sugar, your pain tolerance is lower. I can use all the help I can get so the day after Halloween, I was sugar free!!! Week one was fine. I felt less moody, less tired. I am going to kick it! My baby will not be born wired to this crap! Week two was fine...until that day...

In Ontario there is a restaurant called "Licks". They have great veggie burgers and other awesome stuff. They also have an ice cream bar...

It was a sunny Saturday, kids everywhere, a longer than usual line up. I went to save a table while my friend stood in line and got lunch. (One of the bonuses of being knocked up is you get to sit down!). Suddenly I looked to my left. A chipper three year old in yellow was licking a chocolate cone. It was all over her hands and face. She looked happy and focused on on this delight. Had I seen this in the first three months of pregnancy I would have probably barfed! But this little girl actually turned into chocolate ice cream! Her yellow coat became a cone..Oh God!...her head was one giant scoop! I could hear the slurping noises amplified and in slow motion! Was this an acid flashback? I covered my ears and shut my eyes...but the smell of sweet, sticky, syrupy child was pulling at my deepest instincts! I knew that if I lunged I would be arrested. At least I had that much presence of mind. Kid cones were all around me! My friend sat down across from me, breaking the spell and asking if I was alright...she handed me my burger and apple juice. Instead I grabbed her banana milkshake and drew on it like a crack pipe! The guilt voices tried to get me. " You are a terrible and undisciplined mother!" but they were drained out by the slurping sounds of the straw. I was okay. The children resumed their previous forms. That was close.

The way I figure it, between the water retention, the back pain, and the weight, I should be very gentle with myself and give myself what I need right now. After all, it will soon be all about what the baby needs. And besides...it's going to fucking hurt anyway. Love, Tara xoxoOctober 25, 2001 Home in TorontoWow! It's my 28th birthday. I am at home carving serious pumpkins today and getting lots of calls from loved ones. This is such a special birthday in that my little baby is about to have his/hers. I can also have all the cake and ice cream I can eat!!!!!Bill is going to be home in a few hours so I must take this chance to dance around to my Flashdance record. It is not allowed when he is in the house. I don't like to use the words "Guilty" and "Pleasure" together, but this may be one of those instances where it is necessary. I have to be careful though because the record will skip if I go leaping across the room.There is so much to be grateful for right now. I feel grace everywhere. The IRA laying down weapons is a symbol of hope. The world is awake. Doesn't it seem that when hate is crawling around us, love is amplified? As if it builds itself for the great battle.I wanted to share a letter my Mother wrote to me today. It is such a wonderful birthday present.All my love, Tara xoxoThe TEC (Tara’s Early Years)

The earliest years were happy overall. You were/are a very cheerful baby you know what I mean, and outgoing, and chirpy, generous and loving. You must have flashes of moments from The Cabin. THAT was quite a chapter. You used to bring me home flowers on a regular basis, I must say. My entire house was all summer long clothed in jars and jars and jars and jars of bouquets of wild flowers. They were everywhere!! And I shed a tear each time I had to throw one away. I didn’t want to lose anything that you had ever given me. Shaye was a baby then and you were 18 months old. Shaye used to hang in the kitchen most of the tim...yes, I hung her from the ceiling swing so that she would be at eye level with us. You were perched on my left hip quite often. Watching, smelling the food being cooked, especially during the winter and chatting my ear off.

Eventually, I decided to try you on crayons and paints and chalk . I mean we had no television did we; only a battery operated little tape deck which played mostly (oh dear) Joanie Mitchell. "My old man he’s a singer in the park. He’s a walker in the rain, he’s a dancer in the dark" and that entire album, over and over and over...you know how I DO albums to death. How will we ever forget "Graceland" Well, we had Joanie for about three months straight. You listened to one hell of a lot of live music though, and from some of the best. I used to think how privileged we were to be around where music was becoming. When Marty was writing a song, it was like waiting for a birth. He didn’t like to listen to much recorded music when he was home. He’d be writing all the time and couldn’t think of any music except that which was going on in his head.

Marty would go off into the woods most days, cut down a tree or two (When he finally managed to convince himself that his chainsaw wasn’t murdering this tree. He argued with one tree for a whole afternoon the first time. The tree won. Marty came home dragging his BRAND NEW chainsaw, defeated. It was so comical...but I digress...) But loads of guys came over just to sit in the woods and play with Marty, because they loved his guitar playing, and he and Gene would trade songs instead of talking. One didn’t have to ask the other what he’d been doing lately, they would just each sing their most recent songs to each other and laugh and laugh, then of course, they would get into playing along with each others songs and suddenly, something was HAPPENING right here in my presence, and I was so grateful, and that you guys would be upstairs in the loft, and all this guitar music, vibrating through the woods and the logs of the cabin.

How wonderful that music has played throughout your life. You slept well too. But I think that had a lot to do with the healthy way of life you were living. You were all rosy cheeked during those days. When I planted the garden you followed me along the rows, eating the odd thing that looked tasty and some dirt to boot. Then you used to go down to the garden all summer long and eat all the fresh peas out of their pod. (You should plant your own someday and your daughter will eat all yours!) But you would bring up other things for supper, which in the summer was usually a mixture of brown rice and every vegetable in the garden, and Tamara, and beetroot greens and fried green tomatoes. Some eggs and fruit.

Do you remember the day you stepped on a bumblebee? It must have hurt very much, but you were very brave that way. Tessa , who adored you, almost constantly accompanied you. You were her first baby; human baby that is. She had already pups once or twice, and she figured you were like one of them. You became in years very much a little "Wendy" from Peter Pan, so maybe Tessa was your Nana dog. She was your first and only sitter for the first two or three years. I trusted her with you more than I trusted either of your grandmothers...I always suspected they were feeding you rubbish and would try to slip you meat if they had half a chance. Eventually, they succeeded and by popular demand we became once again carnivorous. She was with you not only at the cabin, but through many other places as well. Tessa would sit and watch you while you were sleeping in your basket, or snoozing in your stroller. If anyone came toward you, she would just very quietly get up and politely sit herself down again, directly between you and the person. (Sort of like a bouncer does, you know or a body guard. But very polite.) Remember she was HUGE. It was like living with a small pony sometimes. But she learned how to keep her tail under control no matter how excited she got. (A leaf you could take from her book my dear. Just kidding.) And after you walked. If you took one step out of bounds she would bark to me, and I’d be out the screen door.

In the fall we made pickles and the woods were absolutely magical. The colour was so incredible, every day was a glory. Around Hallowe’en that year, you discovered mushrooms in the old horse stable. You were very proud to bring them home and so we put them into our rice every evening. By now the nights were cool enough to make corn bread in the wood stove, and practice making other kinds of bread as well. You wouldn’t have helped much with that except for kneading a bit, I made it at night and you would be sleeping right above where the smell would rise. Marty always cut it too hot, and would devour half a loaf with butter melted all over it. We had planted pumpkins with our family’s names tattooed and grown into the skin. Around that time we started getting visits from a white owl. Between the mushrooms, the owl, the woods...we had a very interesting Hallowe’en. During the summer, I had picked my place of worship in the woods, near the tepee site. I was preparing for an operation. I was reading and fasting and praying regularly, as well as preparing incense and stuff. I was reading the Bible. Starting from the beginning and through to the end. Some days were distinctly boring reading. But other days were incredible. I had read the gospels before and went to Sunday School...and I realized that there were forty different writers in this book and only one mind speaking.

I know you remember moments of that Christmas. Making our own decorations from lighting gel and things that we found in the woods. The big woodstove. We had to sleep with the windows open in winter, it was so warm. In the mornings Marty would go downstairs and light the fire and make porridge. We’d snuggle up in bed and read your favourite stories. OK OUR favourite stories...right, MY favourite stories. Do you remember the icicles dripping of the roof and sparkling in the sunlight? You kept going back outside to get a piece of one to suck on. That’s about when I taught you how to dress yourself. It was fun teaching you, and early on you got into picking clothes and dressing up and you kept surprising me. You were amazing.

We spent full runs of seasons there. With the odd visit to the outside world for a day or so. The winter was better than the summer. First of all there were no bugs. And second of all you could go anywhere in the woods, because all the underbrush was covered up with snow and you could just walk on top of it. Especially you as you were so little and light. Every tree turned into a cathedral and on Christmas morning we had a "silver frost" I have only seen one like it in my life. The morning was breaking and the sky was red. As the dawn began to golden, it turned at one point to this rosy pink, and the woods became all rose sparkling diamonds. Our white owl hung around all winter. I believe, God came to me and gave me a sign.

Then came the spring and the MUD and the trilliums. You were a good girl and didn’t pick them. We were well and truly in seclusion for many weeks. In June their was a big puddle in the road with frogs and everything! You and Shaye .who was just walking, would run naked and slide down the mud about 10 feet and splat into this puddle. Except for your faces and hands, I let you get dirty every day. It would have been a losing battle otherwise at that time of year. I would heat up water and pour it into this round galvanized tub, add some cold from the pump and plop you both in. You always loved the water too. Whether in the bath or in the ocean. I put in a bigger garden that year, but we were on the road again before the summer was over. We would go to the cabin quite a lot, or out to Betty’s house in Kensington. It liked having us there too I think.

We spent time between there, the cabin and Gene’s house. Then Marty and I got married on the 10th of November...another story...and then Daddy died on the 19th. He was dressed as Santa when he died. He was the department store Santa at Holman’s . He went into his dressing room, pulled down his beard, lit a cigarette, and fell over dead. I met a young person named Turk who was with him and described it all to me. We moved into Daddy’s place in Charlottetown, above the flower shop and wintered there. I will tell you that story another time.

October 16th, 2001

In our home in Toronto

Hello,

Tara here... At least I am pretty certain it's me. Me and a little friend. I can't believe that there is room for us both in this body.

We attempt to write and make music every day, but the notes I get back from the record company are that my voice is rich and deep, though my lyrics are too abstract. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the kettle goes into the fridge when I'm done with it, and I put conditioner in my hair before the shampoo.

I want to have a birthday/Halloween party but I can't get my head around it. I cry at the thought of so many people in my house. How silly is that? I am the party queen! At least, I was... I am excited to give out candy at Halloween, but I'm sure that I will frighten the children when I burst into tears at the sight of their precious little costumes.

My favorite of all the pregnancy side effects is the conversation! Normally, when someone is speaking to me, somewhere in my mind there is a little note pad where I jot down thoughts to use in response. When it is my turn to speak, I refer to my notes. This is how I converse. To my horror, I now find an empty note pad! Erased by tiny fingers on tiny hands! I stare blankly at the person with whom I am engaged. I officially look like a moron. I scramble to recall the essence of the conversation, for in my embarrassment I have forgotten it all together. All I can retrieve is something that sounds like the adults from the peanuts cartoons. Wha wha wha blah blah blah. I excuse myself to pee.

I am trying to tell myself that this is a gift. An unclutterable mind. In the moment! In the now! And what is all this mundane chatter for really.

Of course, the forty pounds that has set on me like the Pacific sun is quite breathtaking. Literally! I can't make it up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath! I look up to the top and it may as well be Everest herself. And so I begin my ascent... I am the Goddess Jumolungma! The One who so many have sacrificed themselves to on their quests for the summit! The Goddess no one wishes to anger lest she send a storm to hinder your progress. Come little people! None shall pass! I will eat you! Unless you answer the questions three! What is my favorite ice cream? Strawberry ! No... AHHHHHHHhhh!

So, it is not so strange that A&R cannot follow my words these days. I am on a different journey, one that does not pass much through this world. Unless they have been to this planet, they won't recognize the language. Wha wha wha blah blah blah.

That's alright. I am sure in eight weeks when I do give birth, I will be torn from this other dimension and brought swiftly into my body, into the Earth, into the tunnels of sound where I have spent most of my life. But what if I am sent deeper into space? Oh No!!! I will be a permanent flake! Conversing with the Crab Nebulae! Orating with Orion! Singing with the Seven Sisters! NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ME AGAIN!!!!!!

* * *

There is a glimpse into the head of a pregnant woman, who, by the way is 8 months along, with two to go! Yes my friends. Forty weeks! Ten months! Do the math, stock your freezer, and run as far and as fast as you can.

It is a sweet insanity. When the baby moves inside me, I am filled with a love that I never could have imagined. Perhaps that is why everything else shifts away... to make room for the love....
and to make room for my ass!

Photos to follow

xoxox Tara

Los Angeles

August 4th, 2001

Hi Everyone,

I had to leave Mexico a little early. What a romantic idea, but at 105 degrees the humidity caused a bad mosquito infestation that made me a bit nervous( I am not immunized against anything). It was so beautiful and I really rested and wrote. I walked the beach everyday and I swam for hours. The ocean has a way of washing away all your worries. I am so blessed to have had the chance to be in that magical place during my pregnancy.

The baby kicks and moves all the time. we are calling it "Thumper" right now. Oh No! What if the baby is a drummer? What will I do?

Deep down I really felt like I had to get back to work and focus on the music. (I am also running out of airspace in my body). I have been so inspired and my voice has taken on a dimension that it never had. Could be hormones but I think I have just reached a new stage of life so it will deepen as I deepen and become more nurturing as I become a mother. Life is magnificent that way. Always count on change.

And on that note, I will not be releasing the next record on Capitol. I am not certain who will release it in America but there is no hurry to figure that out. I have tons of preparation and recording to do and I am very excited about it. Excited to take my time to make that right record, not a fast record. Everything is for a reason, and a different label will be better for me. I am not a hit song gal and that is what Capitol needs right now. That is what everyone "needs". So I will find a label that wants what I do and feels that they can understand my way of bringing my music to the world. I really will miss everyone at Capitol. It has been quite a run. Successful in my view but I suppose the accountants see it differently...Hee! Hee! Capitol has a new president with a new vision and I wish them all the best. It is so important that Capitol break some fantastic new music. I think I speak for us all when I say that we, the music fans, are starving for something great and new. Something that speaks for our time and blows our minds. Something that inspires us to change and grow and believe that our creative force is still strong. We also need music that comes from the soul of a person who is wide awake to the world and takes us on a journey of understanding, or at least challenges us to think and feel.

So in releasing me from my contract I am free to find another path. I think it will make my work better. I can hardly call this adversity as I still have wonderful Nettwerk right beside me. I am happier than I have ever been and everything is on schedule. It always is.

I have a show in Ontario on the 29th of August so come if you can. I'll be playing my guitar up high like a Beatle because of my belly so it should be pretty funny. Hope to see you there as it may be some time before I get a chance to play again.

So Thank you, Capitol, for the wonderful adventures. I understand the climate of the industry and I feel only that this is right and the timing is perfect. Keep your ears open though because you haven't heard the last of me!

Love & Light,

Tara MacLean

Playa del Carmen, Mexico

July 5, 2001

I thought I'd do a silly journal...Here are Tara's top 5!!!!!!!

Top 5 Foods

Lasagna

Lobster

Sushi

Olive bread

Hummus

Top 5 CDs

Passion- Peter Gabriel

The Mission- Ennio Moriccone

Acadie- Daniel Lanois

James Taylor (Live)

Sign of the times- Prince (Tied with Pink Floyd-The Wall)

Top 5 Movies

Baraka

The Mission

The Wizard of Oz

Life of Brian

Braveheart (Of course)

Top 5 Fave Things To Do

Take a bath

Drink really good red wine

Be naked

Cuddle

Talk with interesting people (or read...tie)

Top 5 Favorite Places

St.Barts

PEI

Salt Spring Island

Tofino, BC

Lions Bay, BC

Top 5 Major Dislikes

Fake Plants

Dripping taps

Stalkers

Raisins in porridge (Childhood trauma)

Maggots(Same)

Top 5 Fave Books

Fugitive Pieces

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Siddhartha

Power of Myth

Harry Potter series

Top 5 Fave Things

clean sheets

the beach

trees

kisses

babies

Top 5 Would Like To Dine With...

Oprah

Buddha

Gandhi

Anais Nin

Christ

Top 5 Ice Cream Flavours

Bryers Black Cherry

Ben & Jerry'sCherry Garcia

Hagan Das Rum Raisin

Starbucks latte

Grapenut

Top 5 Flowers

lilies

daisies

brown eyed susans

orchids

Morrocan roses

Top 5 Sayings

"Rats!"

"Dickhead!" (Says it all)

"If I had your job I'd kill myself." - John Lovitz

"I'm so hungry I could eat the arse off a low!"

"Flyin' duck!" (Newfoundland)

W.W.J.D. keychain (What would Jesus do? Well, he wouldn't lock his door, he probably wouldn't drive, so he's unlikely to have keys, much less, a key chain!) hee!hee!

Top 5 Favorite Songs

New Hymn - James Taylor

Blood of Eden - Peter Gabriel

The Maker/ Messenger - Daniel Lanois (Tie)

Natural Beauty - Neil Young

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

Thanks for reading!

Tara MacLean and littlest

July 5, 2001

Hello from Mexico! I mean Hola!

All is well here. It is reeeaaaallllly hot but the breeze from the sea makes it bearable and beautiful. I can handle the heat as long as the air is clean. We have been here five days and the pace has definitely permeated our souls. This is the opposite of touring. Exactly what I need to write songs. The tiny house has two stories. The top loft is so small even I can't stand up straight. It feels like a smurf house! I love it! There is a tiny kitchen and bathroom down the ladder on the first floor and the living room/ dining area is outside. We set up a couple of chairs and a table there and I bought a hammock!!!!!! I even bartered for it, which is hard for me. I am really a sucker when it comes to those things. I just think about them sitting in that hot store all day and three dollars doesn't sound like a lot more to give them...but I am hardening up as I begin to understand that they jack the price up three times when they see a girl like me. Sucker on my forehead. Natasha is a pro.

I can surely report that I am in paradise. We swim everyday and walk forever in the sun! Two days ago we hiked through the jungle to this secret lake. The people who we are staying with have purchased an enormous piece of land on which the are building a spectacular wellness center. Some of the suites are built in the trees!!! UP in the trees! There are cenotes (rivers) running all through it. The previous owner had no idea that this lake was on the property it was so hidden in the jungle. Three rivers run into it and it is a perfect circle. Parrots and other tropical birds sing unfamiliar songs as they circle the lake. Mayan ruins are scattered around. It is estimated that we are the first to swim there since their time. The water is pure enough to drink but you float as though it were filled with salt, as though you are being held. It is warm but refreshing. There is another magical place. It is an underground cenote that you climb into by a rope ladder through a hole. When you reach the cold, fresh water it feels so invigorating that you have to laugh out loud! You look up to find yourself in a cavern with a tiny hole in the ceiling. The sun shines through this hole and makes a beam that goes into the water. It is straight out of Indiana Jones! I swam beneath it and put my belly directly beneath the beam. It lit up like the sun and brightened the entire chamber. I felt the warmth right through my body and I understood that it was a blessing. Climbing out was another story. With twenty extra pounds on me, my arms were a little shaky but I did it!

Bill will Join me here for the latter part of my journey and help me to finish any songs that I am stuck on. What a wonderful place to be pregnant. Lovers in the Caribbean sea kissing and smiling, little naked brown babies in their parents arms or running around on the beach. I can't wait for him to be here. Life doesn't get much better. The only problems are the occasional cucaracha and no recycling! Ahhhhhhh!

I hope to have lots of songs written in the next few months, along with a kickass tan!

All my love to you,

Tara MacLean and littlest

June 28, 2001

Hello Strangers,

I know it's been many moons since I put in a journal entry. I left the last one seeming as though I was cozy and ready to find some more songs. After I wrote that I did sit still for a few weeks. I found my fingers frozen and nothing came from inside me at all. I suppose that is what being still is for... to stop the spinning and the craziness that follows.

Then a strange feeling came over me and I realized how tired I was from touring. Official burnout! I have always believed that to be jaded about music is worse than being dead, and so I put music away, far away where it would be safe from what was about to happen. I decided that I needed to not be a Musician for awhile. This may seem strange but if any of you had seen me over the four year period you would have noticed a marked difference in my light. It had faded. Something in me had broken. Something was going wrong out there. I lost my voice, I lost my balance. I found myself afraid of anyone who needed something from me. I even yelled at someone who's mistake messed up my day. Amazing how drastically being tired can change your personality. I had a full nervous breakdown in Birmingham (we like to call them breakthroughs!). This is my dream? No thanks. I decided I was handing in my record deal for some peace. I needed to not feel that I was trading my soul for...well for nothing. Then I looked at my web site. All of those glamorous pictures of me..sell! sell! sell! I was making myself sick. Everything I loved was a press angle, and that Bio! God! How could I let someone else write my story, and in a few paragraphs. It all seemed so phony to me.

That is really why I went to Vancouver. I thought I could pull away and live as I once had. Writing songs for myself and my friends. Doing an occasional performance and surprising people by touching them out of the blue, and then going back to my place and waiting for more things to sing about. No pressure. No outlandish goal of selling hundreds of thousands of albums. No working my ass off only to face the disappointed stares of those who thought I could do more. I know what disappointment looks like, even when it's cloaked in assurances of pride.

The problem and the gift of living on the road, raw and accessible to anyone and anything, is that you come into contact with all sorts of different creatures. Some of them bring you hope. The ones that shine right back to you so there is a constant reciprocation. These are the ones that are rooting for you. These are the souls that keep you going, and knowing that there is a reason to not yet head for the mountains. Then there are the others. Cynical and programmed to find fault. They bring back the old theory that perhaps people are a virus on the planet, and we are all destined for destruction because that attitude is contagious. Especially if you are tired and you need something to go right, and they fuck up your day. This is their chance to make someone as miserable as they feel. These creatures seemed to outnumber the others after awhile, and so I went home, disenchanted with humanity, disillusioned with myself and the music business in general.

But I was mistaken about myself. Once you get a taste of singing in front of twenty thousand people, or even one person who is really listening, you can't truly tell yourself that you don't care if you do it again. San Diego,1998 changed my life. Anyone know what I mean? I wasn't quitting. I was just deciding what to say next.

Around March I began to feel something thaw. Spring has a way of bringing that. Bill (My husband), had gone to L.A. to find other work and I was alone. I sat at my piano, and wrote my first song in forever. It was about him. I realized that in the course of putting music away, that my husband had to go away and find some music. He no longer heard it from me. He loves me more than anything, but he is made of music, and he has to go to a source, otherwise he dies. I saw this clearly that day and with that epiphany came the realization that without music, I am not whole. I thanked myself for keeping the music safe from the numbness that had passed over me and swore that I would find it again. I thought about the people I had met and loved out there, and who in turn, loved me. They suddenly outweighed the monsters and I was no longer afraid. I went to join Bill, and began to record new songs. Some I hadn't written, but they said the right things. I was still searching for my own words.

Spring has a way of bringing many things. We are going to have a baby! Due to arrive in December, this new friend will be taught to love and respect everything. Even the monsters. Especially the monsters. I can't wait!

We will continue to tour next year, baby in tow. I didn't give up my record deal and I am more determined than ever to sing my songs. No one can tell me I am not strong and no one can tell me I am not meant to do something great. Even if that something great is teaching courage to my new little friend.

I leave for the East coast of Mexico in July. I will spend 10 weeks in the ocean and in the jungle with my guitar and my journal. I won't look in the mirror for weeks! My dream reality . I will go to the old Mayan temples and think about being human. All of it. All of the crazy, amazing and frightening aspects of it. Maybe the next record will be lighter, just a groovy celebration. Maybe It will say something really special, but certainly, it will rejoice in the endless renewal that is assured to us, just by being alive.

All my Love and Light,

Tara MacLean

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