| June 8th, 2002
Toronto
My little sister...
I can't seem to get past this sentence. I write it over and over.
It is not a sentence really. It has no verb... so I think of my
verbs. The first one we learn in school. Etre. To be.
My little sister IS. She exists. Her form may have changed, but
her energy IS. This is a law of physics.
Then, Avoir. To have. I have my little sister. She is mine. That
cannot be changed either.
Then, the third fundamental verb, Aller. To go. In some way she
is gone. Gone from the physical realm. Gone from the detection
of my five meager senses. Gone from this dimension.
But she has expanded and I will find new ways to talk to her,
to see her and to feel her, hear her, touch her... I have some
of her clothes, so I can still smell her... but the memories flood
and I am drowning, yet I know that she is no longer afraid, no
longer searching, no longer sad.
I am the lucky one. I have had my whole life with her. I ache
for her lover who had but a year. I do believe though, that it
was his best.
We are immeasurably sad. We wander around as though our compasses
have broken. The magnetics of existence have been thrown... have
shifted... but we will adjust in time.
She was always looking for a home. Her gypsy spirit must have
been craving the ultimate adventure. She pulls over on the shoulder
of the highway to get a kiss from her true love. A man is changing
his radio station... he is distracted for a moment a swerves slightly.
She was gone immediately, though her heart, that beautiful, forgiving
heart stayed beating for hours after.
My little sister is gone. That is my sentence. That is all I
know right now...
that is all I can say....
Shaye Loran Grace Martirano June 7, 1975 - May 24, 2002
I miss you... and I will tell your story...
love Tara
If you would like to make a donation in Shaye's name, the Tibetan
Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia is praying Shaye through the 49 days
of Bardo, believed to be the maximum time of transition between
lives, or between here and Nirvana... wherever she is headed.
They accept donations on-line at www.gampoabbey.org or you can send a cheque to:
Gampo Abbey
re: Shaye Martirano
Pleasant Bay, Cape Breton
Nova Scotia, Canada
B0E 2P0
phone: (902) 224-2752
February 25th, 2002
More photos!
January 17th, 2002
Home in Toronto
It's a Girl!!!!
Sophia Madrien Soleil Bell was born at 4:24 p.m, December 19,2001
in Oakville, Ontario.She arrived posterior, or face up, sunny
side up hence the third name. She was 8 lbs 9 oz and 21 inches
long. She has really long fingers like her daddy and blue eyes
like her Mummy. She fed immediately and has eaten every 2 hours
since then. We are tired, but madly in love with our new kitten.
Sooooo..labour....
Whoever first said that women were the weaker sex had obviously
never attended a birth!
My water broke at 6 p.m. the night before. Bill and I were stuck
in rush hour traffic on our way to the airport to pick up a friend.
I began to laugh and every time I did more water would squirt
out...which made me laugh harder! I begged Bill to keep going
to the airport but when we called the midwife she told me to lay
down immediately in the car. She had determined that day that
the baby was head down but flipped over so she faced the sky.
This usually means "Back labour" which is the excruciating
pain of the baby's spine against the mother's. Plus, the head
wasn't plugging my cervix so the midwife was worried the cord
might slip out and that would be dangerous.
So we turned back and I was so happy. Bill was smiling but I
noticed his knuckles were white as his hands grasped at the steering
wheel. That put me over the edge and Bill began to laugh too.
What a sight we were as we inched down the highway headed for
my friend's house where we had planned to have a home birth in
the water of her giant, luxurious bathtub!
My grandmother, Madrien, my mother, Sharlene, and my Sister,
Shaye were waiting at the house, beside themselves with worry
that I may give birth in the car. Also many close friends of mine
had come in from various cities to be with us. It was a great
party.
The midwife came over and said I was dialated one centimeter
(out of 10) and would be awhile so she went home and asked us
to time the contractions (or rushes as we called them). When they
lasted a minute and were 3 minutes apart we were to call her.
They had just begun to happen and they were all over the place,
but they didn't happen in my abdomen. No Mam! Someone was playing
xylophone on my vertebrae with red hot pokers. I strained to feel
the contractions in my abdomen but they were out blasted by the
back labour. I tried to do visualizations..I am a flower opening...I
am a lotus! Breath! I am a fucking flower! OPEN! Maybe God is
a man after all! Are you kidding me with this?
The midwife returned at midnight and I hadn't gotten any further.
The next 7 hours were the most painful and isolating of my life.
I begged the baby to turn. I imagined everything I could that
spun...tornadoes, candy canes that sort of thing...I cried. You
see with back labour, there is no break between contractions to
catch your breath. I was exausted. When Wendy returned to check
me I was dialated two centimeters.
Bill took charge and said that we had to go to the hospital.
At this rate I would be too tired to push at the end and that
can be disastrous. I was in the car in seconds and off we went.
I had a mild epidural at nine am. Had the rapture come? I was
laughing and happy! I could finally feel the baby coming down
and I felt my body open. I was not thrilled about the antibiotics
they had to give me...I always refuse to take them but I had to
as it was policy at the hospital. It was not an easy thing to
go to there. I had preregistered with the thought that I would
never have to go. I even entered my religion as "Jedi".
But I was there and my tribe was gathered around giving support.
The baby began to knock at the door...I asked if I could push.
The midwife said that I had to hold off and she left the room
for a minute. When she returned she looked powerful and magical.
She called on me to push with everything in me. I would know relief
on the other side! The baby began to crown as the midwife said...Yes...sunny
side up! I turned to Bill who had been holding my hand and looking
in my eyes the whole time. He gave me such strength and love.
I said her name. I somehow knew she was a girl!
I felt a burning and then relief. Bill was laughing and crying!
Everyone was! The head and shoulders were out! The midwife told
me to reach down and pull the baby out. I saw this tiny face and
arms reaching for me. I pulled her onto my chest and knew with
all my soul that I was her mother.
She was perfect. She is perfect.
It turns out that when the midwife left, a doctor was waiting
outside to intervene. The doctor told her that with a posterior
baby, especially the first one, there was no way I could push
it out without and episiotomy and forceps. That's why she walked
in with such spirit..determined to help me beat the typical hospital
horror story of unnecessary intervention. I didn't even tear!
When the midwife told the doctor this, she was dumfounded. HA!
I walked out of the hospital two hours later and into heaven.
There are no words or songs or anything to describe this new love.
Always answer the call of the heart. It is always on schedule.
All else flows from there.
I must sleep. I will try to update the site as much as possible
with photos and stories. I wish you all as much happiness as I
have found.
Love and light,
Tara
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